Five years ago today I got a terrible phone call from my brother-in-law, Pete that would change my life forever.  Five years ago today, my sister, Marianne died of an aortic dissection.  Five years ago today has shaped me, for better or worse, into the person I've become.

A week ago yesterday, I crossed the line at the NYC marathon for the John Ritter Foundation in honor or my father and Marianne.  I was hurt and it took me a lot longer to finish... but I crossed the line.  The last half mile, a wave of emotion took hold of me... Again, with Jacqui at my side, I felt my sister's presence.  It was a long day and Jacqui made sure that I would enjoy the experience of it all... and I did.  It was amazing... and even more so, because I had her by my side, as slow as it was.  It was an incredible journey. 

The emotional roller-coaster of that awesome experience has brought me to face this day.  A day, since 2008, that has been a very difficult day for me.  I woke up at 5:30 Sunday morning anticipating today.  I can't fully express the merging of these two vastly different emotions.  I've kept myself busy all day today so I wouldn't have to face, or let my family or friends see what lay deep within me.  I made it until dinner.  I had asked the kids if they knew what today was.  I was actually thinking that they would say that it was Veteran's Day... and I was going to ask what type of stuff their school did to honor the Veterans.  But they didn't say that... they both were quiet and then Andrew responded, "Yes, we know what today is... it's the day that Auntie Marianne died."  I got choked up, but held back the tears.... and then Jock said a special prayer for my sister... and then a prayer for Pete, Mackenzie, my mom, Michael, and me.  I couldn't hold back any longer... so I went into my bedroom and broke down.  It took my breath away and that ache deep in my soul came back.

It's been five years and I am not sure if it really gets easier.  I think I push back any emotions I feel so that I can make it through at times.  Any momentous occasion, I wonder what Marianne and my dad would think.  It makes me sad that they aren't here to experience these things with us.  I hope to think that I've got two angels watching over our family.

So here I am again... one year later.  Training for the same thing.  It was a tough road to get back here.  I haven't had the greatest training or experience the last several months with regards to my running.  It's been an off year... so much so, that making the decision to run again wasn't an easy one for me. 
It truly was a disappointment to not run NY last November.  I wasn't mad that it was cancelled... it was the right thing to do.  Mentally, I had a vision of the experience and it didn't turn out the way I thought it would.  I felt I let a lot people down that had given me so much support.  I cannot fully express the pit I felt in my stomach when I was standing in Times Square and found out the race was cancelled.  There was such a mixture of emotions that I still cannot fully understand, even now... several months later.  It was a great weekend despite the race being cancelled.  The experience of meeting some of my fellow team members, along with Amy Yasbeck and Tracy Bensend was amazing.  I wouldn't trade it in for the world.  It actually helped me make my decision about the race this year. 
Anyway, as I continued to train for the upcoming races I had... I wasn't focused and didn't put the right preparation into it.  I was tired, but I didn't give myself the time to rest.  I think I was trying to get to some sort of finish line, per se... but I never got there.  I'm not sure if I realized the fatigue I was feeling until much later as I reflected back on it all.  I had two half marathons after New York and then the Houston marathon in January.  I had to ramp my mileage back up again for Houston.  I remember the weekend that I did my 20-miler in late December.  I thought to myself, if all goes well, I'll do the full... if not, I'll drop to the half.  That 20-miler was couldn't have been better... the weather was perfect, I had great people surround me... my legs felt fine.  Decision made.

Well, Houston was a terrible race for me.  Terrible.... meaning soooooo terrible that I vowed to never sign up, train, or run a full marathon EVER again.  The weather was miserable; rainy, wet, cold, windy.  I prepared for the temperatures, but not for the weather.  I didn't wear enough clothes... and I didn't keep my rain stuff on long enough.  I started cramping at mile 8... what the heck?  Mile 8?!?!?!?  I stopped and stretched... I told myself that if it didn't feel better, I would turn around at mile 9 with the half marathoners.  Of course it was fine at 9 because I had just stretched it.  I got to mile 12 and started hurting again and saw some of those nice spectators that had fruit and water.  I ate a banana.  Bad, BAD idea.  It raced through my body in the bad sort of way.  Yeah--- BAD, BAD, BAAADDD way.  Saw some port-a-potties.  Had to wait in line in the cold, windy weather in my wet clothes tfor my turn to go in.  Not good.  When I went to squat... my quads locked up.  Not good... really, really not good at all.  I got out to stretch again... wasn't helping.  I hobbled along another 2 miles or so until my friend, Jennifer Niesner caught up with me.  That's when I vowed that I would never run a marathon again.  At that point, my friend Jacqui's sister-in-law, Cathy Whitlock caught up to me too... she then asked, "What about New York?"  Immediately I responded that there was NO WAY I would run another marathon this year.  No way.  Absolutely no way!  I went another mile, barely walking when Niesner finally told me to pull out--- that I will injure myself if I continued.  Going through the mental and physical anguish... I pulled out at mile 16.  I'm not a quitter... but I quit that day.  That is a tough pill to swallow.  I've never started something that I didn't finish... but I did that day.  The first thought that I had go through my head was, "what a terrible example I am to my kids."  How do you explain that?  Jock and I dissected it all to figure out what went wrong.  Physically, I didn't eat well, rest, or properly clothed myself for the weather.  Metabolically, my body was not prepared and did not handle the conditions of that day well.  Mentally, I fatigued way too early and my body followed.  It doesn't matter what the reasons are... at the end of the day, I didn't finish the race.  That moment has been the lowest point in my running journey... one that I am still trying to get past.

So, how did I get back to this point of training for the NYC marathon again this year?  The decision to defer or get a refund back for last year's race had to be decided two weeks after I pulled out of Houston.  I had a long conversation with fellow teammate, Amy Derksen.  Two days before the deadline, I ran with my friend and neighbor, Armando Mejia.  We talked it through during our run.  Not sure of what the future was going to hold, I closed my eyes and thought of my dad and Marianne.  I can hear both of them through Amy and Armando.... but I don't know if I can do it.  I don't want to let anyone down again.  I don't want to let myself down again.  Focus.  What would they say?  I remembered why I signed up to begin with.... Without much thought or discussion with Jock, I signed up to run again this year.

It's mid-July and I am slowly getting my juju back.  The last couple of weekends, I've had the most positive, up beat, awesome person to run with... Drew Wasson.  Also, Jacqui has been in town the last week... and her good friend, Barb Coumos.... let's just say they are all helping me focus.  You know I believe it's all a God- thing and I surely need it!  It takes a village... and my co-dependent running self... well, I need it and will most happily take it!

We're leaving in one week for New York.  It hasn't quite hit me yet.  I don't know if I'm ready.  I'm not sure if it's the taper that's hitting me... or what.  I don't feel as strong as I have before.  I've done all my runs... but in all honesty, I'm not sure if the quality of my runs have been as good as they have been in the past.  I feel like I've gotten slower... and I feel tired ALL THE TIME!!!  So... I'm not sure if I'm ready.  But that's not the goal.  I didn't go into this to PR.  So the trepidation I'm feeling needs to be set aside and the reason why I am running this needs to be put to focus.

So... FOCUS.  See, the problem when I do that... my stomach starts to churn and the emotions get the better of me.  I watched a video on the computer yesterday.  It was a NYC marathon inspiration video.  I got all choked up and was barely able to finish watching it.  It take a while to get the emotions in check.  FOCUS... why am I running this?  Focus... Focus... FOCUS!!

I'm running this for my family... my kids, my niece, and nephew, my brother and brother-in-law; for my mother, who has lost so much, but with faith, family, and friends... risen stronger; for my cousins who will make the trek to NYC to support me; for an amazing foundation that has done so much and still have much more to do in raising awareness of aortic health and research; for all my friends that have supported me, literally, each step of the way and who has donated way beyond my wildest dreams; for my husband, who has had interrupted sleep each Saturday morning because of my training runs and despite my craziness, has been amazingly supportive of everything I wish, dream, and hope for; and lastly for my dad and my sister, Marianne... who are the reasons why I've decided to do this race and run for the John Ritter Foundation.  They have taken me out of my comfort zone of hiding behind the shadows and living a quiet and comfortable life... to actively supporting a cause important to me and in doing so, getting me "out there".  You see, getting "out there" is extremely difficult for me because it's uncomfortable and uneasy for me.   I'm a private person for the most part and I only let my close friends and family in, and even then there's a barrier that I hold up so they don't see EVERYTHING of me.  It's hard to ask for donations.  It's hard to let people know your vulnerabilities and fears.  It's hard that everyone out there who are supporting me, excited for me, who have donated to JRF for me... know that I'll be running next weekend.  I don't want to fail.  I don't want to let anyone down.  I know that may sound ridiculous because if I weren't the one writing this.. and just reading it, I would think there is no way I could let anyone down, right?  So I can't figure out why I feel that way.  I just do.  But I also know I need to get over it because in the end, no matter what, I will finish this race.  So...Focus.  FOCUS.  My goal is to enjoy the end of this long journey and run the streets of New York with 47,000 other people for my dad and Marianne, and for all the amazing people in my life. 

One more week.....

Forty
Over a week ago (Sept. 29th), I turned 40.  For those who have read my story to the John Ritter Foundation, you know how significant it is for me to hit that milestone.  It was a rainy, wet day and I had 16 miles to run that morning.  I felt "so-so" and thought that the rain and thunder would hit, so secretly in my head, I thought we'd end up turning around early.  It wasn't the case... which was okay because I was with great company (Tony Castronovo and Rusty Jones) and I was feeling fine for most of it until the last mile and a half or so.  One.  More.  Mile.  I felt terrible.  So terrible that my head was feeling weird and dizzy.  I kept thinking to myself, "it's my stinking birthday... buck up and finish this stinkin' run!"  Rusty Jones... a soon to be Ironman, started the 16 with me and stayed with me till the end.  Thank goodness for Rusty!  He's awesome.  He makes running 3 hours bearable when you wake and feel just "so-so"!  Turns out I didn't fuel adequately enough.  GAHHH!  I'm still learing...  Hopefully I can work out some of these kinks before the marathon.  Wish it didn't take me so long to figure this marathon thing out!  :)

I ended up having a wonderful, yet still rainy day with some awesome friends and an even more AWESOME husband.  He threw a birthday bash for me with my good friends.  Anyone who knows Jock, knows that throwing a party... well, just isn't his thing.  He went above and beyond what my expectations were.  My step-sister, Cathy came over from San Antonio, my high school friend, Aimee and her husband Mark made the wet and rainy trek up to Northwest Houston, co-workers, running pals, and some neighbors came to share the evening with me.  I love all these people to death.  They have no idea.  I am so blessed.  I'm forty... and I feel great.... no... I feel FABULOUS!!! 

Four Weeks
Yesterday marked exactly four weeks until the marathon.  I did my last 20-miler on Saturday with the help of Rusty Jones... who started at 4am with me and Henrietta Goncalves who met us at mile 13 to run the last 7.  Again, Rusty agreed to waking up at an unGodly hour to join me.  Have I said how awesome he is?  He's about to tackle his first Ironman in a couple of weeks and slows his pace to run with me.  Amazingly awesome.  I met his wife, Lori and 3-year old son Jacob this weekend.  He's a great guy and I am so lucky that I've had the pleasure to get to know him better on our runs. 

Henrietta is so sweet to change plans to meet us to run the last 7 with me.  She could've met her group at the "Y" and run with them.  Probably would've been better for her... She seriously is one of my dearest friends and I love her!!!  We let Rusty loose at mile 16 when we met up with some other fall marathoners.  Really, I am much too slow for him to run with me.  She really could have just left me, too ... my pace had slowed quite a bit.  Legs felt like lead.  She stayed with me, though...  have I told you how much I LOVE HER!!  She's awesome!

The best part of my 20-miler this weekend... the fall marathon crew that I've done the majority of the long runs with in the Houston heat and humidity... they have the Bar Harbor marathon next weekend and had 8 to run on Saturday.  They caught me during the last mile and I got to run the last bit with my peeps, Carol Gray, Cathy Kimble, and Len Dawson... They're incredible!  Really, they are.  When you spend LOOONNNGGG hours, weekend after weekend with people, you'd think you might get tired of each other.  NOPE!  Not one bit.  My novice little self has had the pleasure to hear stories and wisdom from some amazing people.  AND Cathy Howard!!!  Cathy Howard is not running Bar Harbor, but I haven't seen her in FOREVER!!!  I always have fond memories when I ran my first 16-miler (which was the longest I had ever run after the half-marathon) with her!  LOVE CATHY HOWARD... and CAROL GRAY... and CATHY KIMBLE... and LEN DAWSON!!!  When I finished... I wasn't quite finished... my watch only said 19.85... so Drew "Awesome" Wasson ran a bit more to hit the 20 with me.  I know that's crazy... believe me, others who were done, stretching saw me, and thought I was crazy... if they didn't they should have. 

As I look back at the last 5 months when I found out that I made the team... SOOOO many people have been incredibly supportive and unbelievably amazing to me.  Words truly cannot express how humbled I am!  I do NOT feel worthy, SERIOUSLY!  So many people.... THANK YOU!!!  I still have a month to go, but this has been an amazing journey so far and I can't believe it's almost here.

My family and I recently came home from visiting family last Sunday.  We spent 5 days with my brother, Michael and his family and 5 days with Jock's brother, Alex and his family.

We started our trip to Louisville, KY to visit Michael, Tiffany, and baby Colton.  Colton is the sweetest little guy!  My mom, step-dad, Pete, and Mackenzie were all there as well for Colton's baptism.  The house was full and busy, but it was wonderful to spend time with everyone.  I had called Pete prior to leaving to see if he would run all or part of my 10-miler with me while we were there.  Like a trooper he agreed and we set out early Saturday morning.  It was great to have the company to run with and also to catch up with how things are going for him.  The one thing that was a challenge for me was the elevation changes.  It's FLAT here in Houston.  So flat that people in my running group  run parking garages for the hill work-outs.  My brother's neighborhood is anything but flat.  Holy HILLS!  I used to run in San Francisco... but that was long ago, and I am NOT accustomed to running with the steep elevation changes!!!  We survived... and I was able to get all but one of my weekly runs in while we were there.

We then flew out Maryland to visit Alex, his wife Julie, and daughters, Miriam, Sophia, Veronica, and Anna.  We hadn't seen them since Veronica was born so the girls had a great time playing with their older cousins!  Andrew was the girls' jungle gym, poor thing!  He ached a bit here and there but never complained.  I managed to get one of my runs in while we were there.  The climate was similar to Houston so if I wasn't out there early enough.... well, it was just too hot to go!  Unfortunately I missed my 12-miler.  Alex had agreed to run with me before we got there, but he found out that he had a stress fracture to his foot and there was no way I was going to let him run with me... even though he thought he could.

Since I missed the 12 miler on Saturday, I upped my mileage this week and plan to run the 12 this weekend (I was suppossed to drop to 10).  I know it happens... but hopefully as I start ramping up the mileage, I'll get those runs in!

We took a TON of pictures so check out the photo gallery of our time with family! 

I had it in my calendar that I would officially begin training today.  It's not really a big deal... I typically run 4-5 miles, 3 days a week with my long run ranging from 6-10 miles.  It's always hard to start back up after taking some time off, so I try not to take time off, if I can.  I guess mentally, I have a schedule that I have to follow.  That's the good thing about the off season... you can run whatever you want and not worry.  So, the big deal really.. is now I have to follow the schedule.  It's always tricky since we have a trip coming up to visit Michael, Tiffany, and Colton... and also to visit Jock's parents, brother his family.  Rallying up some family away from my running peeps to get some of the long miles with me may be interesting.  I'll have to start working on that.  We do have runners in the family... but they're all faster than me.  I always hate running with people faster than me because I feel like I am holding them back.... so I run harder than I probably should and end up hurting myself.  I should make sure Jock is out there with me, because he's always making sure

Today, I was suppossed to run 4 miles.  I ran 5, only because I felt pretty good and had great company to run with.  I'm sure I'll make up that extra mile somewhere down the line... so I don't think it's that big of deal that I don't follow it EXACTLY.  I'm still a novice runner, so any of you more experienced runners, please let me know if I shouldn't do that.

It's still hot here in Houston.  Not that I think it wouldn't be... I sometimes have weird dreams that it'll be snowing when I run NYC.  I anticipate and hope that it will be cooler... anything (except snow--- just because I'll probably hurt myself) would be better!!!

Happy running!!

After 3.5 years... I finally had a baseline CT done this week.  It seems silly to be excited that I finally had it, but after the battles I've had with insurance--- I'm just grateful that it's done.  It was weird- prior to the contrast going in through my IV, they warned me of the burning through the IV and a warm sensation that I would feel.  At the last possible moment, this lady's face was right in front of mine saying, "you may feel like you're going to pee... it's okay- just stay still and listen to the breathing instructions."  WHAT?  Pee?  Stay still?  And just as she said, BURN- WARMTH- PEE.  Oh my goodness... did I just pee over myself?  (PANIC! PANIC!)  Then it was over.  Thankfully, I did not urinate on myself like it felt!  (HUGE RELIEF!!)  But seriously, that was the weirdest sensation EVER!  Hope to get the results soon, but if anything, I'm just grateful that it was done.

School's been out for about 3 weeks now.  I love my job as a school nurse because of the summers.  The best part of the summer is NOT running by myself in mornings at 5:00 am!   I meet up with people in my running group at 5:30 am before the sun rises.  It's CRAZY to run in the heat and humidity of Houston any other time, in my opinion.  I am literally soaked when we get back, it's disgusting.  I can literally saturate a towel with sweat.  So gross!  During these summer months, I try to run anywhere from 8-10 miles for my long runs.  At 5:30 am it's tolerable (typcially only 78-82 degrees at that early hour)... although oppressive with the humidity.  We start cooling off in late October- November.... near when the mileage starts ramping up as many here prepare for a January- March marathon. 

Training for a fall marathon is brutal.  There's a group of runners in my group that always train for a fall marathon.  Last year, they ran Chicago.  Last summer was the hottest and driest summer... I thought they were all NUTS and swore I would NEVER run a fall marathon.  There's a reason there is a saying, "never say NEVER!"  I am a perfect example of that!  A year later-- here I am, training for a fall marathon.

So I am getting my training plan together and I already know those long, long runs are going to stink.  I know it's all worth it.  When I reflect back on the two marathons I trained for, the journey was much more memorable than the actual race.  I feel that the journey and the race will be the prize.  I am so, so grateful to those that have donated to the John Ritter Foundation for me.  I am truly in awe of the amazing support that I have received.  Talking to those that have run the NYC marathon before... there is one consistent theme told to me- "look around and enjoy the experience!"  Fall marathon training... here we go!

It's amazing that it's been two weeks since I received the phone call from Amy Yasbeck inviting me to run for Team Ritter!  It seems like so much has happened since then!  When I first saw on the JRF Facebook page that they had been chosen as one of the charities for the NYC marathon-- I didn't even think twice to apply.  It was just a matter of sending in my application.... not a big deal, right?  We were asked to write "Our Story".  That wasn't as easy as I thought it would be.  I struggled to write my story. 

Although it's been three and a half years since Marianne's passing, and almost fifteen years since I lost my dad, having to think about what got me to this place... this place where I so badly want to run for this foundation... it brought back so many raw emotions that I had pushed away.  It's hard to face those painful memories and to then to bring them front in center in black and white for people to read.  I wanted to do it right... to honor them.  The process was very therapeutic for me, in a way... but it was still very hard to have to dig down to put everything on paper. 

Once I was selected, I made a choice to share my story with everyone.  There's some vulnerability in doing that, but I knew that I only let my friends and family get in so far... It's easy to change the subject or talk about something else to protect that place close to your heart.  Jock had remembered something the priest had said during Marianne's funeral.  The priest talked about the things Marianne did to give back, the service to her country and community, and the friendships she had fostered.  The priest said, "Marianne was a soldier... she wasn't done yet."  I don't remember much of the funeral-- it was so hard and painful, but when Jock reminisced about that day and what the priest said, I knew that I needed to share my story.  I knew to honor her and my dad, I had to unlock that piece of me and share a very painful part of my life in order to prevent such a terrible tragedy for someone else. 

I've been blessed through this journey with the best husband ever.  Jock has been incredibly supportive throughout the entire process.  Right after I got off the phone with Amy, he said that the marathon is only a small piece of this experience.  Is he crazy?  He's run a marathon before... he knows the stuggle with it... but I am beginning to see that he's right.  I didn't sign up for this to run the NYC marathon (although I'm thrilled with the opportunity!!)  I did this to raise awareness for a cause so important to me.  Since my initial emails, I've corresponded with Marianne's friends dating back to high school and family I have never met!  I can share stories with Mackenzie about her mom on things I didn't even know.  How incredible is that?

Mackenzie's doing fantastic.  In fact, Pete sent a little video of her kindergarten graduation today.  I am so grateful to God for my relationship with Pete.  He's family, no matter what and he's doing a great job with Mackenzie.  I know he feels the same with Michael and I; my mom, Jock and Tiff; Natalie, Andrew, and Colton.